I came across this journal entry a week or so ago. After reading, I wanted to re-share, because God has been so very Good to me. He has lavished me in such Grace and with such Mercy…I have to give Him praise, glory, and honor!
“For What It's Worth – June 10, 2007
I've never believed in "blogging", it seems to get so many people in trouble. But when you think of it...it's seems quite perfect. You don't have to just call your one best friend to tell what's on your heart of hearts, but in a way you can share it with whoever is willing enough to read your heart. So, I guess that's all who you need to tell...right? I've always loved the mystery of life. Because I am such a dreamer, and I believe in the One High God, the answers are endless and anything is possible. But, I am afraid that even though I love adventure, and being pushed to take risks, at night, I always wonder....what really am I doing here? Not really in the world, but what ‘in my life now’…what am I doing. A college grad, jobless, single, living with mom and dad...this mystery was something I thought would be much better and more radiant. I begin to think if I missed something, wondering if I made some wrong turn. What really do I want out of life? For once I know "who" I am, and quite frankly I like who that is...but I still feel....clueless. Don't get me wrong, I believe and trust God that He knows what He's doing and I do not have a big problem surrendering to Him b/c His plan is perfect, and even though I'm 22, I have learned that I am not. I feel as though I am blind to the real reason for my place. I know I am not the only one, and seriously, it could be much worse. Even though my thinking is selfish, you have to fix yourself before you can fix others. It seems like I am living in other people’s lives. Watching them live, and being paralyzed in mine. I truly do hate "waiting" on the next step. I have studied that, but to my surprise I have not yet learned the application. I mean, what mindset are you supposed to take...just continue to live w/o thinking/acting like nothing has changed, throw away the old life continue with the new while forgetting everything, or being caught between the old life and new, in complete confusion and cluelessness. It's obvious which one I have chosen. You'd think that over two years of prayers I would have some clue...but only the scenery has changed...nothing else. Quite sad really. Maybe that's the answer...nothings happened, nothing ever will...but the hope is still lit inside me...how do you blow it out? What plan of action do you take? Which road, pathway, street is the right one? It will be given to you. Well, at least I know one thing, the time for me to know what to do is not this day. My fear is that my heart is incapable to being loved in a romantic way. That no one wants to really know me. I know every girl in the world has that fear, and some of those fears are reality for them. I feel that I have so much to give, so much to offer, so much to love, but is no one willing to take the time, make the choice, and live the commitment? Time will tell. I am not fearful of the future, it's just getting from point-a to point-b that will be hard. "O God, you are my God, earnestly I seek you; my soul thirsts for you, my body longs for you, in a dry and weary land where there is no water. I have seen you in the sanctuary and beheld you power and your glory. Because your love is better than life, my lips will glorify you."(Psalms 63:1-3) I find rest in this...."The righteous cry out, and the Lord hears them; He delivers them from all their troubles. The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit." (Psalms 34:17-18) Thank you God.”
So…what am I doing now? Almost 8 years later?
I am still a college grad.
I have a great job.
I am happily married to the man who is better than my dreams.
I am living in a cute house with my handsome, funny, driven, godly man.
“Now to him who is able to do far more abundantly than all that we ask or think, according to the power at work within us, to him be the glory in the church and in Christ Jesus throughout all generations, forever and ever. Amen.” – Ephesians 3:20-21
I wondered if I made a wrong turn?
“The heart of man plans his way, but the LORD establishes his steps.” – Proverbs 16:9
“For a people shall dwell in Zion, in Jerusalem; you shall weep no more. He will surely be gracious to you at the sound of your cry. As soon as he hears it, he answers you. And though the Lord give you the bread of adversity and the water of affliction, yet your Teacher will not hide himself anymore, but your eyes shall see your Teacher. And your ears shall hear a word behind you, saying, “This is the way, walk in it,” when you turn to the right or when you turn to the left.”
– Isaiah 30:19-21
What do I want out of life?
Currently, they are not material things, or even certain dreams I once had. Truth be told, I desire to be Spirit-filled, to have a strong faith, to have godly wisdom, and to have steadfast love. Only Jesus can give these things, I cannot get them myself…but the gospel is: He gives Himself. Praise God to Whom All Blessings Flow!
“I have been crucified with Christ. It is no longer I who live, but Christ who lives in me. And the life I now live in the flesh I live by faith in the Son of God, who loved me and gave himself for me.” – Galatians 2:20
“If any of you lacks wisdom, let him ask God, who gives generously to all without reproach, and it will be given him.” – James 1:5
“And walk in love, as Christ loved us and gave himself up for us, a fragrant offering and sacrifice to God.” – Ephesians 5:2
I also stated ‘fix yourself before you can fix others’, which I believe to be completely foolish. I cannot fix myself apart from Christ, I also cannot fix others apart from Christ. I cannot do anything without Christ working in me and through me. We are all broken, and we are all in need of a Savior. In our brokenness and sin, He uses us…still. Not because of anything we have done, or will do…but because Christ has done and continues to do. Praise the Lord O My Soul!
“But God, being rich in mercy, because of the great love with which he loved us, even when we were dead in our trespasses, made us alive together with Christ – by grace you have been saved – and raised us up with him and seated us with him in the heavenly places in Christ Jesus, so that in the coming ages he might show the immeasurable riches of his grace in kindness toward us in Christ Jesus. For by grace you have been saved through faith. And this is not your own doing; it is the gift of God, not a result of works, so that no one may boast. For we are his workmanship, created in Christ Jesus for good works, which God prepared beforehand, that we should walk in them.” – Ephesians 2:4-10
“Now may the God of peace who brought again from the dead our Lord Jesus, the great shepherd of the sheep, by the blood of the eternal covenant, equip you with everything good that you may do his will, working in us that which is pleasing in his sight, through Jesus Christ, to whom be glory forever and ever. Amen.” – Hebrews 13:20-21
What mindset are we to take?
“If then you have been raised with Christ, seek the things that are above, where Christ is, seated at the right hand of God. Set your minds on things that are above, not things that are on earth.” – Colossians 3:1-2
I feared that no one would love me, no one would want me, and no one would want to know me. I thought that I had so much to offer in means of ‘love’, and that I would never have the chance to know a romantic love that our world sets half way in reality and half way in fairy-tales. How ironic is it that God answered my prayers beyond what I dreamed, and yet the only fault I find is that I struggle with trust, submission, and respect…I struggle with loving well. Lord God, forgive me, and give me a heart of steadfast love.
“Is anything too hard for the LORD?” – Genesis 18:14a
“Behold, I am the LORD, the God of all flesh. Is anything too hard for me?” – Jeremiah 32:27
“It is the LORD who goes before you. He will be with you; he will not leave you or forsake you. Do not fear or be dismayed.” – Deuteronomy 31:8
“Let not steadfast love and faithfulness forsake you; bind them around your neck; write them on the tablet of your heart.” – Proverbs 3:3
Almost 8 years. How can I not praise The One Who not only saved me from sin and death, brought me into newness of life, and also saves me daily, hourly, every moment interceding for me?! “Let the words of my mouth and the meditation of my heart be acceptable in your sight, O LORD, my rock and my redeemer.” – Psalms 19:14
And even the finding of old words, old hurts, old dreams, old fears, old hopes, and thinking of lessons learned and scripture that life is rooted in…it is not me, but Christ. “But the Helper, the Holy Spirit, whom the Father will send in my name, he will teach you all things and bring to your remembrance all that I have said to you.” – John 14:26
All Praise, Glory, Honor, Blessing, Thanksgiving, and Everything be Yours Eternal Father God, King Jesus Christ, and Helper Holy Spirit. So be it!